|
|
Home | Reviews | Essays | Links | Best Sellers | Contact Me |
Movie Reviews
Women in Prison
 |
Caged Heat 3000 (1995) |
 |
| Um, yeah, D-block seems about right |
Anyway, onto the movie.... From the presence of Cassandra Leigh/Lisa Boyle's name in the credits, I think you probably know what this one is all about. That's right. T&A! There is a lot of nudity in this movie. And usually, that would be enough for me to give it a recommendation... but not in this case. This movie was just dreadful. And not in the "so bad it's good category" either. It's pointless, boring, and repetitive, and the plot is so threadbare that it's not even really possible to make fun of.
That said, having lost about 80 minutes of my life watching this dreck (it is mercifully short), I feel it is my duty to try to review it. Let's start with the plot, such as it is. Kira Murphy (Cassandra Leigh) is a prisoner in a futuristic prison set on a desolate mining asteroid far from earth. The box claims that she "finds herself in the midst of a female gang war," but more accurately she provokes this war by killing Linda (Carrie Jean Meeks). Linda is, we learn later, a drug dealer who participated in the rape and murder of Kira's friend in prison. But since we only learn this later and since we'd never met the friend in the first place, Kira seems more like a homicidal maniac than an innocent woman "wrongfully accused" as the box claims. As part of her punishment, Kira is sent off to D-block. D-block is divided into two factions: the black prisoners are led by Ruggs (Zaneta Polard), and the whites are led by Billie (Debra Beatty). The blacks already hate Kira because Linda was one of their own, while the Billie and her crew initially welcome Kira with open arms. But Kira, continuing her anti-social behavior, also spurn Billie, thus leaving her on her own. Kira befriends her new cellmate Daly (Kena Land), a black prison lawyer, much to the chagrin of Commissioner Dillon (Mark Sikes) and Warden Lewis (Don Yanan) who had hoped that the homicidal Kira might eliminate the pesky Daly. Kira also befriends the mousy Candy (Hilary Cummings... think that is her real name? Or is she just building her resume while waiting for that big break into hardcore porn?). And then... nothing happens. Yeah, Ruggs and Billie each try to attack Kira at different times, but Kira fends them off. In the end, Billie and Ruggs join forces against Kira, and manage to kill Candy and gravely wound Daly, but before Kira can get revenge and before they can finish her off, there is a prison riot. The causes of the riot are a little unclear, frankly. Are the prisoners mad about Daly's assault? Or are they just taking advantage of a visiting news crew? Who knows? The riot seems to end as quickly as it began, but the presence of the news crews provides witnesses to Billie and Ruggs' confessions. The end.
Okay, so why does this movie suck so bad? Well, there are several reasons:
 |
 |
| Kira's first punishment: the electric bra |
(1) We don't care about the characters. Usually, even the most inept movies manage to provide the hero with a slightly sympathetic backstory, but not in this case. We learn that Kira was charged with assault and battery. She claims it was self-defense, but we don't get any further explanation, and considering her violent temperament, I'm not sure I believe her. Actually, the only character with a sympathetic back story is one of the villains, Ruggs, who was apparently a political activists falsely imprisoned on planted evidence. Actually it is worse than just not caring about the characters... in many scenes we don't even know who the characters are. When Kira kills Linda, we haven't met either one yet. We never actually meet Kira's friend whose rape and murder set off the whole plot. Also, the movie has several softcore bondage type scenes, where the prisoners are forced to entertain the guards and warden, but in most of those scenes the prisoner is not a recognizable character. So there are a bunch of underdeveloped main characters, and then a group of complete superfluous other characters there to provide additional nudity. The one character we actually see getting abused who we know is Billie, one of the villains. See the problem? I mean, you wouldn't think I'd have to explain this after all the hundreds of women-in-prison movies out there, but apparently director Aaron Osborne and screenwriter Emile Dupont don't get it. You show the hero getting abused if you want to explain her motivation, not the villain and not random strangers. Get it? Now, in fairness, Kira also gets disciplined a couple of times, once with a weird electrified bikini, but the second time she's put in an isolation chamber where we're told she is undergoing such excruciating pain that her body is paralyzed, but she just looks like she's sleeping (which does allow the creepy prison doctor to cop a feel of her surgically enhanced boobs).
(2) The movie is just a terrible blend of "action" and T&A. This is a surprisingly violent movie. Lots of blood and stabbings, at least a couple of compound fractures where the bone comes through the skin. It is just too much, and it just doesn't match up well with other scenes where the women slowly lather themselves up in the shower.
 |
| Another badly staged fight scene |
(3) The fight scenes are incredibly repetitive. Each time Kira gets into a fight (and it happens often), everything goes into slow-mo and cheesy pseudo-metal plays on the soundtrack. Every time.
There are a few fun things to watch for though.
First, the movie starts out with a quote from Victor Hugo. Right there up on the screen, as if this were a real movie.
Second, check out head guard Reitman (Robert J. Ferrelli). I swear if they ever make a TV movie about Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan, Ferrelli is the man to play the part.
Third, the cells have got to be the most absurd prison cells I've ever seen. I mean, they're not even cells. They have comfortable looking bunk beds and instead of bars they have two weird triangle-shaped doors that don't even reach to the floor.
 |
| The prison shower... Didn't Plato's Retreat have a room like this? |
Fourth, the shower room looks like something out of a trendy health club, or maybe a swingers club. It has little sitting areas, and the stalls are made of gold metal colored grilles.
Fifth, the scene where guard Reitman corners Billie in the shower is just plain weird. First he comes up behind her and puts a riding crop between her teeth. Then he turns around and has her spank him with it. Then he pushes her against the wall and has sex with her. He treats the whole encounter like an unpleasant chore. He doesn't even provide a leering grin.
 |
| Billy Corgan's movie debut |
Finally, this movie is the motherload of continuity errors. Wounds come and go as do weapons. There are a couple of scenes that were obviously shifted around to solve some plot problems, but which just open up others. They can't even figure out what year it is, with one character taking about parole in 2129, and another talking about the year 3000.
This is a weak conclusion to the Caged Heat trilogy. Yeah, it provides the expected nudity and violence, but the direction and writing is so atrocious that it undermines the game attempt by the actors to give it life. Yuck.
 |
(0 out of 5)